I’ve thought it and I’ve said it.
A few times, actually…
To my husband and in the deepest, emptiest, most pain filled moments of my walk as a mother.
It’s been no secret that I have struggled with my middle daughter Lily… wondering if I was meeting her needs, trying to better understand her, and wondering where in the world some of her behavior came from??
And so you can judge me as a parent, leave me a not so nice comment, think I’m ungrateful for my kids or wonder what kind of parent I am that I could ever say that – but the truth is… none of it could ever be worse then the guilt and shame I’ve put on myself or that I’ve carried on my own, during my ugliest moments and through my struggles.
But my hope… is that if you know me well enough, been around here long enough, or can hear my heart as I write these words, you will know that I don’t truly hate my daughter.
In fact, I am absolutely crazy in love with her! And God has used her more then anyone else, to help transform me and refine me, in some of the best and most necessary ways.
And that is actually what I hope you’ll let me share with you tonight, friends.
If you’re still with me, I hope you will listen as I share some of the BEST things about my Lily…
#1 – She reminds me of how desperately I need God.
Friends, without her and without all the ways she challenges me, I would be tempted to think I was doing ok and by my own strengths. Without my earthly desperations, I wouldn’t know that HE, is my greatest revelation. I wouldn’t realize that HE is the reason all things work together and that HE is my source… for extra patience, extra love, extra grace, for every. single. thing. I. need. No book, no counselor, no well meaning friend who has seen this behavior before, would know more then the One who made my daughter and who knows just what she needs and yet He still picked me to walk these battles beside her.
#2 – She reminds me that I need “DAY” -LY bread, not DAY-OLD bread.
That my desperate cries for help at church on Sunday, or all the prayers I prayed for her last week when I finally found a moment with God, are just not enough. And prayers are good, friends! Do not stop praying! Hear me when I say that! But a few prayers here and there will not be enough to sustain you! God says we need His DAILY bread – His DAILY provision – His DAILY dose of love, joy, peace, patience and assurance. And we need to be walking in communication with Him constantly.
#3 – She reminds me to listen to the Truth -Teller.
When I am struggling with her and I am desperate for His truth – she reminds me that I need to go to the true source. To shut down Instagram, log off of Facebook, turn off any single thing that tells me “Everyone else has it together but you!” “Look at all those happy kids, look at all those perfect mothers…” She reminds me to turn it all off and run to the one who calls me ABLE! Who says I am CHOSEN. Who calls me WONDERFUL and LOVED! And to the One who calls all of you the same.
#4 – And #obvi but she is pretty darn cute too 😉
Oh friends I don’t know what thing you face right now… what frustration, what outcome, what situation, what mountain, what lacking, what confusion or what thing you’re in, but imagine that it weighs heavy and I imagine that you just might hate it….
But our burdens and our struggles don’t highlight our faults and our weaknesses or how we can’t keep up or that we are doing something wrong… but they highlight our desperate need for HIM!
So wherever you are at, and no matter what thing feels hard, I pray you would draw near to the Truth Teller.
That you would let him drown out the lies and the words of guilt and shame… and in turn you would let Him fill you with up with His love.
That you would listen as He calls you chosen and able…
As He says that you are justified and redeemed…
When he tells you that you are set free and forgiven…
And that you are LOVED and you are HIS.
May I pray for you?
Dear Jesus I pray for my friends who read this tonight and can understand my desperation in saying what I said. For my friends who have also said things, done things, and thought things that were wrong or unkind or untrue. Thank you for new starts and that you forgive us. And for my friends who are carrying heavy burdens tonight and don’t know what do or for those that feels lost, Jesus I pray that they would run to you – to the truth teller… and I pray that you would fill up their longing hearts. I pray that you would meet their needs and show them just how good it is, to be filled by you and loved by you and in a way that only You can love. Help us to turn the spotlight onto you when life feels dark and give us hope that you are working it all for good, and all for us to draw our strength from. Be near to us Jesus. Amen
No matter what you’ve done, what you’ve said or where you’re at – You are seen and you are loved!